Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: A simple no would've done just fine.
-Billy Madison
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-Ernest Hemingway
"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."
-David Lloyd George
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."
-Howard Hughes
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-Abraham Lincoln
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it."
-Groucho Marx
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."
-Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination."
-Andrew Lang
"You suck, your kid sister beats you up, and your mother dresses you funny, so shut up and go away."
-Forum user 'Kravis'
"You have diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain."
-Unknown
"Is it bad to be a dictator? I have seen the United States become very friendly toward some dictators."
-Fidel Castro
"Plato was a bore."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
-Leo Tolstoy
"I am stabbing an apple and pretending it's your head. Good night."
-Forum user damn posting limit
"I don't think I'm better than everyone, I just know I'm better than you."
-Forum user JokaThaJesta
"Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you."
-Jack Handey
"I wonder, sometimes, how people that are so stupid manage to drink things without drowning themselves or get dressed in the morning everyday without their parents help"
-Forum user CrazedPenguin
"The ass doesn't fall far from the keyboard."
-Forum user CreepyGuyWithAStick
"Freud says I'm sexually deprived. Well, you know what Freud? I think you're sexually deprived. Now what?"
-Rubadubdubber
"Suppose you were an idiot. Suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-Mark Twain
"What is it with English teachers and symbolism. Anyone can do symbolism. There is nothing cool about symbolism. Get the fuck over it."
-CreepyGuyWithAStick
"You've just described life for 98% of people your age. How utterly alone you must feel in this respect."
-Forum user Palidor
"I don't hate you, I just don't view you as human."
-Forum user IHateSocialism
"Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it"
-Forum user Soth Aron
"A saucepan of mine would like to become acquainted with your jaw"
-Forum user IHateSocialism
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
"...the notion that young comics need to denigrate what we do here - by the very methods we ourselves employed, in their position - I mean, I guess I don't really care about that. That doesn't even merit the Alanis Morissete School of Irony. The fact remains that it is my job to play videogames with my best friend. And my wife is hot."
-Tycho, Penny Arcade
"If you want to play the arrogant asshole and call people pedophiles I respect that. I really do. I've been overcompensating for my low self esteem by calling people names for twenty years."
-Gabe, Penny Arcade