"This is not a retreat," General Duke insisted. "We are initiating an offensive in the opposite direction."
-Starcraft: Shadow of the Xel'Naga
Human: "What time is it?"
Chatbot: "Virginia here."
Human: "I am the alpha and the omega."
Chatbot: "No, but I would like to take your shoes."
"How do you tell a female from a male? A karyotype [sample of chromosomes] will tell you, but there are easier methods to determine if a person has XX chromosomes or XY chromosomes. It so happens that adults with XX chromosomes have small, darkly staining chromatin bodies..."
-The obliviousness of Biology textbooks
Ned: "What're the percentages for being overweight?"
Health Teacher: "Plus 25% for boys, plus 32% for girls."
Ned: "Well that's not fair!"
Health Teacher: "Well, you don't have breasts, Ned."
Ned: "I could!"
"A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play."
-From a mistranslated toy warning, courtesy of Engrish.com
"A teacher plays a mental game with some of his students. Based on a true story."
-Review of the movie "The Wave"
"In the future... what's between your legs is all that counts."
-Advertisement for Extreme-G 3, futuristic-bike racing video game
"are the monty python movies those funny ones"
-Random internet person
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Lacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night, and the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
"Trespassers will B persecuted to the full extent of 2 mongrel dogs which neve was over sochible to strangers and 1 doubl brl shot gun which ain't loaded with sofa pillors."
-Sign in a rural area used as a tourist deterrant, as printed in an American Cultures textbook
"i forgot i could do math"
-Bloody_Person
"you aint got no commen since"
-Random internet person
"Perhaps the truth is less interesting than the facts?"
-Amy Weiss, RIAA senior vice president
"...everyone who pays taxes, especially middle income Americans, benefit under the president's plan as the tax rate reductions passed by Congress in 2201 are made effective immediately."
-U.S. Treasury official Peter Fisher during an online chat room press conference
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
-John Bright
"Normal lasers are only good for pointing."
-TV ad for a laser-pointer straightlevel
"Water-powered cars will just burn up all the water, leaving humanity dehydrated."
-Forum user Doodle
"I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****."
-Forum user Martin Poles
"Jeff thought it would be funny to pee on the neighbor's lawn (And believe you me, It was.)"
-Forum user The Supreme Ben
"I'm not really around people enough to know if my behavior is odd."
-Forum user radiantheart
"We have dinosaurs to help us now??!!"
-Forum user imaguy2 (Talking about thesauruses)
"Who cares? If you're smart, you'll just jump over the car like Superman."
-Forum user solid snake (On getting hit by a car)
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room."
-President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove
"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."
--George W. Bush; Washington, D.C.; December 18, 2002
"Pot is cheaper than marijuana!!!"
-Osore Kage
"And there's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail."
-George W. Bush
"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."
-George W. Bush
"I live in Miami, I'm not giving up my gun because if somebody comes in my house I want to be able to kill him."
-Jack Thompson, attorney opposed to violent video games