Meet the Mortons
December 22, 2000
"Watch out!" Ed warned to those below him.
Arnold looked up, and quickly moved aside to dodge a falling Reindeer lighting ornament. "I told you that you had enough up there already," he politely called to his father.
"Sorry, son," Ed replied from atop the ladder, "but you know that I can't just leave the display incomplete like this! I'll never gain the respect of the neighbors with only seven reindeer up on the roof."
"Seven reindeer, a huge sleigh, three dozen strings of lights, 20 elves..." Billy sarcastically added as he walked out the front door to see what the noise was. "Why put up decorations now when you can be buying more presents for me?"
"Because we'll never fit that many presents underneath that blasphemous tree," Arnold answered. "What happened to the religion of this holiday?"
"Besides, your mother's out buying gifts right now," Ed added.
"Again?" Arnold stomped back into the house. "The commercialization of a sacred holiday - these heathens will pay for their sacrilege."
"Hey, you're supposed to help me with-" Ed yelled towards his eldest son; then, turning towards his younger son, "Hey, Billy," he requested. "Think you can help me out with this stuff?"
Billy's eyes took on an insulted sort of look. He kicked the ladder on his way back into the house. Ed desperately grabbed for something to hold on to, barely catching the side of the roof.
"Dan!" he called down. A window below him opened, and Dan, clad in black clothing, poked his head out.
"Hey, son," Ed yelled over the blaring rock music coming from the now open window, "could you give me a hand?"
Dan pushed his father's feet up, allowing Ed to get up on the roof. "Thanks son! Now, could you go outside and get the-"
The window closed promptly.
"...ladder." Ed sat for a moment, huddling near the badly wired Santa Claus light for warmth, when he saw a car pull up. Jane stepped out of the driver door.
"Did the ladder fall again, honey?"
Ed looked shamefully downward and nodded.
Molly walked out of the passenger door, carrying a hefty amount of bags with her. "I thought you were going to put up multi-ethnic decorations, Dad!" she yelled with a bit of anger.
"Well, I went down to the hardware store to buy some, but they didn't have any. I'm sorry."
"Don't remind me about the hardware store complex, Dad," Molly replied as she put the bags down and walked toward the fallen ladder. "I already have two petitions and a letter to the town council on those discriminating people."
Molly put the ladder back up against the house, letting Ed climb back down. "Hurry up, dear," his wife nagged. "We have wrapping to do!"
December 23, 2000
This is madness, Arnold thought as he looked on in the candle lit darkness to his sister speaking gibberish over a Menorah. I know I should respect my family, but how can I sit by while my sister strays from our religion?
Arnold glanced over at his younger brother Dan. It's bad enough with dark kin like him here, and the rest of the family absorbed in the commercial disgrace of this sacred holiday.
"Where's my presents?" Billy demanded as he banged the table with his fists, nearly knocking over the Menorah.
"Calm down, Billy," his Mother said. "You'll get your presents in a minute."
"But I want them now!" Billy started to throw a tantrum. He ran around the living room, banging the walls and punching everything. Ed ran to the oversized, over-ornamented Christmas tree to keep it from falling over.
"Mom, do something!" Molly pleaded. "How can I correctly represent the Jewish faith with this distraction?"
Jane rushed to the closet, took out a present, and held it toward Billy. "Here's your present! Here!" she gasped.
Billy's face lit up. He ran to the gift, and tore it open. "Cars!" he yelled.
Dan got up and walked to his room, munching a latke as he walked. Ed started to get up, but reconsidered and sat back down. Arnold shook his head in shame as Billy made loud 'vroom' sounds and zoomed his toy cars across the rapidly damaging walls.
December 24, 2000
"Honey, where are you going?" Ed called to his wife.
"There's a big sale at the department store," Jane called back from the driveway. "I'm going to get some more presents for the kids!"
Ed would've argued if not for the fact that it hadn't done any good the previous five times. "Well, as long as you're down there, could you get me a few more packs of nails? I still have some elves to put on the roof."
"Be sure not to overload the electricity again," Molly warned. "I need it for the Kwanzaa display later."
"I won't honey. Good luck with your rally," he replied. "And, Arnold," he added to his son, getting in the driver side of the other family car, "try not to argue with them too much."
"I shalt honor my father," Arnold reluctantly promised. He closed the door, and drove out of the driveway to get his sister to the Junior Political Activists Club meeting.
"Well, I gotta go too," Jane called as she closed the door. "Bye honey."
"Don't spend too much money!" Ed called futilely. He then turned back to his work. "I'll show this neighborhood a Christmas Eve they'll never forget!" he said to himself with glee as he nailed a green-booted elf foot to the roof.
Dan walked out the front door, and paused, noticing both cars gone. He looked up at his father, grunted to get his attention, and shrugged.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait. While you're down there, would you mind handing me-"
The door slammed shut, and Ed could faintly hear punk music from through the walls. A loud hum came from the second generator switching on. Ed went back to his light fixtures.
December 25, 2000
"I can't believe it went up so quickly," Molly said, aghast, looking over the ashes and sparse flames that were once the Morton home.
"The insurance company said that it was faulty wiring," Jane explained.
Ed sat down on the ground. "I guess two generators weren't enough for the light fixtures I put up..."
Dan looked down, and slowly walked away from the rest of the family.
"...and the sound system we got him..."
Billy's crying suddenly got louder.
"...and the train set..."
Molly looked at her father. "I didn't know I left it on overnight..."
"...and the Kwanzaa display..."
"So much for Christmas," Jane regretfully sighed.
"...and the flammable wrapping paper certainly didn't help..."
"Maybe this is a sign," Arnold reflected.
Ed leered at Arnold. "And that stockpile of religious pamphlets charred quite quickly, along with that flimsy stand for the advent candles..."
Arnold opened his mouth, then sat down with his head in his hands.
"Well, the neighbors were certainly impressed by the lights," Dan sarcastically added to the conversation, grinning.
The rest of the family stared at Dan in surprise that he had spoken.
"Shut up son," Ed politely voiced.
The family looked back at the faintly burning remains. "Why aren't the fire trucks coming?" Jane wondered.
Ed's face became worried and embarrassed. He sprinted over to a neighbor's house, yelling "Hey, Bob, can I use your phone?"
Jane shook her head, then noticed a flyer sticking out of the mailbox. She picked it up. "Hey, there's a sale at the clothing outlets!" She grabbed her daughter, and ran to the car.
Dan pointed to a neighbor's house, then walked off.
Arnold looked down at Billy. "Let's go to church," he said as he led his little brother to the second car.
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